Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
