we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
