So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
