drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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