What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
