i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
i now understand why vodka
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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