1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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