Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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