I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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