Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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