i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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