A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
