Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize