My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
