but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
