i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize