remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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