Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize