theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
