I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
