i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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