I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize