This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
