For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
How external is "for external use only"?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
