I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
