saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
