She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
