I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Houston, we have a blender
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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