it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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