I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
