Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
