Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize