Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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