Ketchup is God's man juice
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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