I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
