Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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