I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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