Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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