just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm bleeding and have questions
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
