if only i could text you this smell
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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