dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
They are going to name an STD after you.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The adults are the big ones right?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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