your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize