I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
