he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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