I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
