someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
