I hate all girls vehemently.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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