Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
