Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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