Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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