I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
