Plan B is the new Plan A
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize