I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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