im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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