I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
