Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
This baby is an asshole
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
