I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
