look no pants
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
