I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
