I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
