When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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