if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
