just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
