No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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