I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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