Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
be right there i have to get my cape
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize